آموزش زبان انگلیسی-Jokes

1.Invisible ink

Q: "Have you got any invisible ink?"

A: "Certainly, sir. What colour would you like?"

2.Big Ant

Q: Which ant is bigger than an elephant?

A: A gi-ant!

3-Spider on the computer

Q. What was the spider doing on the computer?

A. It was searching the web!

---

Do you understand the jokes? If not read here:

1.Invisible means that you can't see it. So, anything that is invisible has no color!

2.Both the words, elephant and giant have the same letters as the word ant! Elephants and giants are very big and ants are very small!

3.Spiders make webs, like the one you can see on the computer in the picture. The word 'web' is also used to describe the internet or World Wide Web (www).

آموزش زبان انگلیسی- چند تا بازی فلش برای یادگیری انگلیسی

1http://www.marks-english-school.com/games/b_prepmed.html
2.http://englishflashgames.blogspot.com/
3.http://www.marks-english-school.com/games/g_present.html
4.http://englishflashgames.blogspot.com/2008/05/colours-game.html
5.http://englishflashgames.blogspot.com/2008/09/food-game.html
6.http://www.englishgamezone.com/flash-arcade-game.php?gameid=34315&gamename=Hangman%20Total
7.http://englishflashgames.blogspot.com/2008/06/prepositions-of-place-game.html

Fun

Catch a Rabbit 

 

The LAPD, The FBI, and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at apprehending criminals. The President decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it.

The CIA goes in.

They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that rabbits do not exist.

The FBI goes in.

After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and they make no apologies. The rabbit had it coming.

The LAPD goes in.

They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: "Okay! Okay! I'm a rabbit! I'm a rabbit!" 

======================================================================= 

Facts about Old Men and Women 

Q: Where can guys over 65 find youthful, pretty women who are interested in dating them?

A: Look in the library-------under Romantic Fiction.

Q: How can a guy cope during his wife's menopause?

A: By staying busy. If you're mechanically inclined, you can remodel the garage. When you are finished you will have a flat in which to live.

Q: How can a woman raise the heart rate of her 65+ year old spouse?

A: She should tell him she's with child.

Q: What can an older woman do for the wrinkles on her neck?

A: Don't wear a brassiere. The additional hanging "weights" will take out the wrinkles.

Q: How can older people remember where they parked their cars?

A: Use the Valet service. They have to remember where your car is.

Q: Do older people have problems storing their short term memories?

A: No, they have problems retrieving the memories from storage.

Q: Do older people have deeper sleep?

A: They do, but normally their deep sleep happens in the afternoon

Q: Where can older people find prescription eye glasses?

A: On top of their heads.

Q: What is the most often used sentence uttered by older people when they visit antique shops?

A: 'Gee, I have one of these.' 

======================================================================== 

Be happy!

آموزش زبان انگلیسی How strange can a language be

How strange can a language be?

There is no egg in an eggplant.  It doesn't look or taste like an egg

. 

There is no ham in a hamburger

. 

There is no pine nor apple in a pineapple

. 

Sweetmeats are candies while sweetbreads, which aren't sweet, are meat

.

English muffins were not invented in England and French fries were not invented in  France, so where did such names come from

?

Some names seem to describe the opposite of what the things really are:

Quicksand pulls you down slowly.

Boxing rings are square.

A Guinea pig is not from Guinea and it is not a member of the pig family

.

Some examples of why you cannot blindly follow English grammar rules:

If writers write and painters paint and riders ride, then why don't fingers fing or hammers ham?

If the plural of tooth is teeth and the plural of goose is geese, then shouldn't the plural of phone booth be phone beeth and the plural of moose be meese?  Maybe they should be, but they aren't.

If the teacher taught, why didn't the preacher praught?

If a vegetarian eats vegetables, what do you think a humanitarian eats?

How can a house that is burning up finally end in being burned down?

At a bank or loan office, how can you fill in the necessary information as you fill out the forms?

Why is it that when the stars are out they are visible, but when the lights are out they are invisible?

Why do people recite at a play, yet play at a recital?

Why do people park on driveways but drive on parkways?

Doesn't it seem crazy that you can make amends but not one amend?  If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it?

How can a slim chance and a fat chance be the same, while a wise man and a wise guy are opposites?

Answer: I simply don't know.

آموزش زبان انگلیسی A sweet joke

What would you like to have; fruit juice, Soda, Tea, Chocolate, Milo, or coffee?"

"Tea, please."
"Ceylon tea, Herbal tea, Bush tea, Honey bush tea, Ice tea or green tea?"

"Ceylon tea."

"How would you like it? Black or white?"

"White."

"Milk, Whitener, or Condensed milk?"

"With milk, please."

"Goat milk, Camel milk or cow milk?"

"With cow milk, please."

"Milk from Friesland cow or African cow?"

"Um, I'll take it black."

"Would you like it with sweetener, sugar or honey?"

"With sugar, please."

"Beet sugar or cane sugar?"

"Cane sugar, please."

"White, brown or yellow sugar?"

"Forget about tea, just give me a glass of water instead."

"Mineral water or still water?"

"Mineral water, please."

"Flavored or non-flavored? "

"I'd rather die of thirst !"

A wonderful storyآموزش زبان انگلیسی

A farmer rears twenty-five young hens and one old cock. As he feels that the old cock could no longer handle his job efficiently, the farmer bought one young cock from the market.

Old cock to Young cock : "Welcome to join me, we will work together towards productivity.

Young cock : What you mean? As far as I know, you are old and should be retired.

Old cock : Young boy, there are twenty-five hens here, can't I help you with some?

Young cock : No! Not even one, all of them will be mine.

Old cock : In this case, I shall challenge you to a competition and if I win you shall allow me to have one hen and if I lose you will have all.

Young cock :

OK. What kind of competition?

Old cock: 50 meter run. From here to that tree. But due to my age, I hope you allow me to start off the first 10 meters.

Young cock : No problem ! We will compete tomorrow morning.

Confidently, the following morning, the Young cock allows the Old cock to start off and when the Old cock crosses the 10 meters mark the Young cock chases him with all his might.

Soon enough, he was behind the Old cock back in a matter of seconds.

Suddenly, Bang! ...... before he could overtake the old cock, he was shot dead by the farmer, who cursed, "Hell ! This is the fifth GAY chicken I've bought this week !"

ta-ta

(Principles of Life(2آموزش زبان انگلیسی

Stupid Questions with the Smart Answers

BOY : May I hold your hand?
GIRL : No thanks, it isn't heavy.

GIRL : Say you love me! Say you love me!
BOY : You love me...

GIRL : If we become engaged will you give me a ring??
BOY : Sure, what's your phone number??

GIRL : I think the poorest people are the happiest.
BOY : Then marry me and we'll be the happiest couple

GIRL : Darling, I want to dance like this forever.
BOY : Don't you ever want to improve??

BOY : I love you and I could die for you!
GIRL : How soon??

BOY : I would go to the end of the world for you!
GIRL : Yes, but would you stay there??

SHARON : Have you ever had a hot passionate, burning kiss??
TRACY : I did once. He'd forgotten to take the cigarette out of his mouth.

MAN : You remind me of the sea.
WOMAN : Because I'm wild, romantic and exciting?
MAN : NO, because you make me sick.

WIFE : You tell a man something, it goes in one ear and comes out of the other.
HUSBAND : You tell a woman something: It goes in both ears and comes out of the mouth.

MARY : John says I'm pretty. Andy says I'm ugly.What do u think, Peter?
PETER : A bit of both. I think you're pretty ugly.

Girlfriend : "...And are you sure you love me and no one else ?"
Boyfriend : "Dead Sure! I checked the whole list again yesterday".

Teacher : "Which is more important to us, the sun or the moon?"
Pupil : "The moon".
Teacher : "Why?"
Pupil : "The moon gives us light at night when we need it but the sun gives us light only in the day time when we don't need it"

Teacher : "What do you call a person who keeps on talking when people are no longer interested?"
Pupil : "A teacher".

Waiter : "Would you like your coffee black?"
Customer : "What other colors do you have?

Teacher : "Sam, you talk a lot !"
Sam : "It's a family tradition".
Teacher : "What do you mean?"
Sam : "Sir, my grandpa was a street hawker, my father is a teacher".
Teacher : "What about your mother?"
Sam : "She's a woman".

Tom : "How should I convey the news to my father that I've failed?"
David: "You just send a telegram: Result declared, past year's performance repeated".

Teacher : "Now, children, if I saw a man beating a donkey and stopped him, what virtue would I be showing?"
Student : "Brotherly love".

Teacher : "Now, Sam, tell me frankly do you say prayers before eating?"
Sam : "No sir, I don't have to, my mom is a good cook".

Patient : "What are the chances of my recovering doctor?"
Doctor : "One hundred percent. Medical records show that nine out of ten people die of the disease you have. Yours is the tenth case I've treated. The others all died".

Teacher : "Can anybody give an example of COINCIDENCE?"
One Student : "Sir, my Mother and Father got married on the same day and at the same time."

Teacher : "George Washington not only chopped down his father's Cherry tree, but also admitted doing it. Now do you know why his father didn't punish him ?"
One Student: " Because George still had the axe in is hand."

آموزش زبان انگلیسی

One day an employee sends a letter to Her boss asking for an increase in her salary!!!

Dear Boss

In thi$ life, we all need $ome thing mo$t de$perately. I think you $hould be under$tanding of the need$ of u$ worker$ who have given $o much $upport including $weat and $ervice to your company.

I am $ure you will gue$$ what I mean and re$pond $oon.

Your$ $incerely,

Norman $hah

The next day, the employee recieved this letter of reply:

Dear NOrman

I kNOw you have been working very hard. NOwadays, NOthing much has changed. You must have NOticed that our company is NOt doing NOticeably well as yet.

NOw the newspaper are saying the world`s leading ecoNOmists are NOt sure if the United States may go into aNOther recession. After the NOvember presidential elections things may turn bad.

I have NOthing more to add NOw. You kNOw what I mean.

آموزش زبان انگلیسی jokes

Wife: Honey..... What are You Looking for ?

Husband : Nothing.
Wife : Nothing...?? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour ??
Husband : I was just looking for the expiration date.

**********

Q - What is the Difference Between Mother & Wife ?
A - One Woman Brings you into this world crying... & the other ensures you continue to do so.

**********

Wife : Do you want dinner?
Husband : Sure, what are my choices?
Wife : Yes and no.

**********

Wife: You always carry my photo in your briefcase to the office. Why?
Husband: When there is a problem, no matter how impossible, I look at your picture and the problem disappears.
Wife: You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?
Husband: Yes, I see your picture and say to myself, "What other problem can there be greater than this one?"

**********

Girl: When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your burden.
Boy: It's very kind of you, darling, But I don't have any worries or troubles.
Girl: Well that's because we aren't married yet.

**********

Son: Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.
Mom: Well, you have done the right thing.
Son: But Mom, I was sitting on daddy's lap.

**********

A newly married man asked his wife, "Would you have married me if my father hadn't left me a fortune?"
"Honey," the woman replied sweetly, "I'd have married you NO MATTER WHO LEFT YOU A FORTUNE"

**********

Interviewer to Millionaire: To whom do you owe your success as a millionaire?"
Millionaire: "I owe everything to my wife."
Interviewer: "Wow, she must be some woman. What were you before you married her?"
Millionaire: " A Billionaire"

**********

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.
The guy replies: Thanks for the warning .

**********

A wife asked her husband: "What do you like most in me my pretty face or my sexy body?"
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: "I like your sense of humor."

Question: What is the truest definition of Globalization? 
 

 
Answer: Princess
 
Diana's death. 
 
 

 
Question: How come? 
 
 

 
Answer:

 
An English princess   with

 
an Egyptian boyfriend

 
crashes in a French

 
tunnel,   driving a

 
German car

 
with a Dutch engine,

 
driven by a Belgian

 
who was drunk

 
on Scottish whisky,

 
(check the bottle before you change the spelling),

 
followed closely by

 
Italian Paparazzi,

 
on Japanese motorcycles;

 
treated by an American doctor,   using

 
Brazilian medicines.

 
This is sent to you by

 
An Iranian,

 
using Bill Gates's technology,

 
and you're probably reading this on your computer,

 
that uses Taiwanese

 
chips,   and a

 
Korean monitor,

 
assembled by

 
Bangladeshi workers

 
in a Singapore plant,

 
transported by Indian

 
lorry-drivers,

 
hijacked by Indonesians,

 
unloaded by Sicilian longshoremen,

 
and trucked to you by Mexican illegals.....

 
That, my friends, is Globalization!

Subject: Letter of an NIOC employee in English !!!!

When an iranian writes in english
  
     This letter was written by an employee of the NIOC National, about
fifty years ago.  Someone pulled it out of the archive for laughs.  But the
name of the person who wrote this letter has been erased for secrecy.  
  
Dear Mr. Hamilton,
Hello sir, "I am your servent, very very much".  
  
I am writing to you because "all the way to the handle of the knife has
reached my bone.  "My hands grab your skirt", Mr. Hamilton, "Please reach my
scream", Mr. Hamiton, "from the hands of this man, Ahmady" .  I don't know
"what a wet wood I have sold him" that from the very first day he has been
"pulling the belt to my lift" With all kinds of "cat dancing" he has tried
to become the "eye and the light" of Mr.Wilson.
  
He made so much "mouse running" that finally Mr.Wilson "became donkey" , and
appointed Mr.Ahmadi as his right hand man, and told me to work "under his
hand"
  
Mr.Wilson promised me that next year he would make me his right hand man,
but "my eye didn't not drink water", and I knew that all these were "hat
play", and he was trying to put a "hat on my head" I "put the seal of
silence to my lips" and did not say anything. Since that he was just
"putting watermelon under my arms" Knowing that this transfer was only "good
for his aunt" , I started begging him to forget that I ever came to see him
and forget my visit altogether. I said "you saw camel, you did not see
camel" ... .but he was not "getting of the devils donkey".. ."what headache
shall I give you" I am now forced to work in the mail house with bunch of
"blind, bald, height and half height" people. "Imagine how much my ass
burns"
  
Now Mr.Hamilton, "I turn around your head" you are my only hope and my "back
and shelter"... ."I swear you to the 14 innocents" please "do some work for
me"...."in the resurrection day l'll grasp your skirt"... "I have six head
bread eaters" I kiss your hand and
Leg "
  
Your servant

Email

Email

A couple from Minneapolis decided to go to Florida for a long weekend to thaw out during one particularly icy cold winter. They both had jobs, and had difficulty coordinating their travel schedules. It was decided the husband would fly to Florida on a Thursday, and his wife would follow him the next day. Upon arriving as planned, the husband checked into the hotel. There he decided to open his laptop and send his wife an e-mail back in Minneapolis. However, he accidentally left off one letter in her address and sent the e-mail without noticing his error.

In the mean time:
In Houston, a widow had just returned from her husband's funeral. He was a minister of many years who had been "called home to glory" following a heart attack (died and gone to report in heaven). The widow checked her e-mail, expecting messages from family and friends. Upon reading the first message, she fainted and fell to the floor. The widow's son rushed into the room, found his mother on the floor and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My loving Wife
From: Your Departed Husband
Subject: I've arrived!

I've just arrived and have been checked in. I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow. Looking forward to seeing you then. Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here.

Good Wan! Good One!

Good Wan! (Good One!)"  

Caller: Hello, can I speak to Annie Wan ? 

Operator: Yes, you can speak to me. 

Caller : No, I want to speak to Annie Wan!

Operator: Yes I understand you want to speak to anyone. You can speak to me. Who is this? 

Caller : I'm Sam Wan. And I need to talk to Annie Wan! It's urgent.

Operator: I know you are someone and you want to talk to anyone! But what's this urgent matter about?

Caller: Well... just tell my sister Annie Wan that our brother Noe Wan was involved in an accident. Noe Wan got injured and now Noe Wan is being sent to the hospital. Right now, Avery Wan is on his way to the hospital. 

Operator : Look, if no one was injured and no one was sent to the hospital, then the accident isn't an urgent matter! You may find this hilarious but I don't have time for this! 

Caller : You are so rude! Who are you?

Operator: I'm Saw Ree.

Caller: Yes! You should be sorry. Now give me your name!! 

Operator: That's what I said. I'm Saw Ree ..

Caller: Oh ......God!!! !

innocent

A man comes running to the doctor shouting & screaming
in pain "Please doctor you've got to help me. I've been stung by a
bee."



DOCTOR: "Don't worry; I'll put some cream on it."



MAN: "You will never find that bee. It must be miles
away by now."



DOCTOR: "No you don't understand! I'll put some cream
on the place you were stung."



MAN: "Oh! it happened in the garden where I was
sitting under a tree"



DOCTOR (in anger): "No, no you IDIOT! I mean on which
part of your body did that bee sting."


MAN (still screaming in pain): "On my finger! The bee
stung me on my finger and it really hurts"



DOCTOR (banging his fist, abusing and shouting):
"Which one?"


MAN (innocently): "How am I to know? All bees look the
same to me."

Joke

Penguin

A man was walking along Hietzinger Hauptstrasse near Parkhotel
Schönbrunn when he found a penguin walking along the road.
So he picked it up and took it to the local police station.

He said to the policeman "I found this penguin on Hietzinger
Hauptstrasse, near Parkhotel Schönbrunn. What should I do with it?"

The policeman looked at the man and said "It's obvious what you should
do with it! Take the penguin to Schönbrunn Zoo.

The man said "Of course, I'll take it to the zoo" and he left the police
station with the penguin under his arm.

The next day the policeman was on duty in the city centre when he saw
the man walking along the street with the penguin by his side. The policeman stopped the man and said "I thought I told you to take the penguin to the zoo?"

The man replied "Yes, I took it to the zoo yesterday. Today I'm taking it to see the Opera House."

joke

McDonald, who was very sad,met his friend Sandy in the street.He said to his friend,"I cannot make up my mind whether to marry a wealthy widow whom i don't love or a poor girl whom i love very much.
Sandy said,"My dear friend, I advise you to listen to your heart and marry the poor girl that you love."
"You are right. I will marry the poor girl."
"In that case,can you give me the widow's address?

 sad   غمگین
I cannot make up my mind   نمیتونم تصمیم بگیرم
  widow   بیوه
to meet(met,met)   ملاقات کردن
whom   که
to advise   نصیحت کردن
heart   قلب
in that case   در اینصورت
 whether  آیا
 to listen   گوش دادن
you are right   تو راست می گویی

Dumb and Dumber

On vacation in Hawaii, my stepmom, Sandy, called a café to make reservations for 7 p.m. Checking her book, the cheery young hostess said, "I'm sorry, all we have is 6:45. Would you like that?"
"That's fine," Sandy said.
"Okay," the woman confirmed. Then she added, "Just be advised you may have to wait 15 minutes for your table."

I have "great" news for you

The newlywed wife said to her husband when he returned from work, "I have great news for you. Pretty soon, we're going to be three in this house instead of two."

Her husband ran to her with a smile on his face and delight in his eyes.

He was glowing of happiness and kissing his wife when she said, "I'm glad that you feel this way since tomorrow morning, my mother moves in with us."
 

Nice Jokes for Nice People

1)       “Aunt Mary has a new baby,” a mother told her small daughter. “What was
wrong with the old one?” answered the little girl.

2)      Dad- “Son, I’m spanking you because I love you.” Son-“I’d sure like to be big enough to return your love.”

3)       “Why are you crying, little girl?”  “Cause my brother has holidays and I don’t.”  “Well, why don’t you have holidays?”   “Because I don’t go to school yet.”

4)       “Mommy, do you love me?” “Of course” “Then why not divorce daddy and marry candy man?”

5)      A boy was about to purchase a seat for a movie. The box-office man asked,” Why aren’t you at school?” “Oh, it’s all right sir,” said the youngster earnestly.” I’ve got measles.”